Stream Of Consciousness - Blog Posts

clarice has been a great company these days. she speaks about god thru lóri's point of view, her believes, and it sounds a lot camus' absurdism! she says 'if i wanna pray, it would be to the cosmic or to Nothing'.

rainy days and depression, love to see it. 🌧🤍

Biology Notes

A minute by minute summary of my thoughts during bio class.

Countdown begin.

This ain’t gonna be fun.

Only two min in.

She’s late.

How am I already bored?

That guy’s late.

Cal/Boba handcuffed together, working as allies?

Melidaan joins Mandalorian Empire?

I’m bored.

Clones’ first time hearing music

Clones eating real food for the first time?

Clones tour temple? (Where they hear music/eat real food for first time?)

I was right. This isn’t fun.

Soulmate AU for Charles/Erik?

Erik’s POV for first meeting?

Immediate aftermath of said first meeting?

Erik and Raven visit after Cuba?

They meet babies Kurt, Warren, Jean, maybe Scott.

They miss the sign, don’t realize it’s a school? 

‘Did Charles have kids?’ moment, especially after realizing Jean’s a telepath?

Jean recognizes them from memories? All recognize them from photos and/or stories?

All the guilt when Erik sees Charles.

Cells. The powerhouse of, mitochondria is.

Phospholipid. Now there’s a word to make people flip a Scrabble board with.

Nigh impossible, you’d need lipid down first, then add phospho-, but a girl can dream.

Kurt and Warren would be adorable as childhood friends

That guy’s playing Wordle.

That guy is really, really, really bad at Wordle.

People realizing how insanely dangerous Charles is?

Erik realizing how lucky humanity is for Charles’ morality? and being very attracted to that?

Quiz on Friday, 45-50 questions, 50 points. Study slides.

Erik getting attacked by another telepath, Charles going territorial, has other telepath screaming/crying on floor, living worst nightmares, clutching head and begging for it to end, while Charles is gently comforting/fussing over Erik?

That girl is texting.

Is that guy watching Gravity Falls? Great taste.

Aw, why’d you turn the screen that way? Now I can’t see it.

Quinlan switching out Fox’s caf with decaf, letting him fall asleep, tucking him into bed?

While Fox’s asleep, using Shadow Training (TM) to do paper work? (Forgery/Ability to have multiple styli (plural of stylus) filling out multiple data pads simultaneously? (Force use?)

Quinlan leaving five min before Fox wakes up. Fox finding his paper pretty much done, crying because he’s still out of it and doesn’t want to wake up?

Quinlan making this a habit when he’s on Coruscant? Stone finding out, not telling? Fox scared if he talks about it, it’ll go away? Unable to believe it’s real?

That girl’s doing a crossword. Badly.

The answer is Lobelia. “She stole Bilbo’s spoons” is Lobelia Sackville-Baggins. 

Where in Middle-Earth did she get Tauriel from? Even if she hadn’t been added solely for the purpose of paying less in royalties to Tolkien’s family, even if she had existed in the book, when in the name of all that is precious and beautiful, would she have stolen Bilbo’s spoons?

I might kill myself. This is why I shouldn’t have sat in the back row.

Only 6 min left. Heh. +60, Execute Order. I know I’m not funny.

So close, yet so far. So unbearably bored.

Is this what stream-of-consciousness notebooks look like?

I have a very odd stream of consciousness.

We get to leave early? Hallelujah!!

Goodbye!

Unfinished Doc, dated Dec 14, 2022

I’ve been told the best remedy is to let it all out somehow, somewhere. I cannot share my deep dark secrets with those close to me, for fear of worrying them too much. They don’t deserve to carry my burdens, especially when most of those are just results of my perpetual inertia.

 The things I haven’t done in my life are entirely my fault as far as I see it, I am not a victim of circumstance. I could’ve tried harder so many times before.

 Things are too fucked up now and none of it is an easy fix. While I am patient, I am a slut for instant gratification. The thought that I would need to plan, and wait, and wait, for things to get better is terrifying. How the fuck do I do this? How do I climb out of this hole? I don’t have the energy to force myself.

 Something in my mind shuts down at the thought of doing things simply because I “must”. I think when people judge me as immature and childish they’re not wrong. I am unable to click on the “Responsible Adult” persona, instead opting for being a ghost in my own life and in others’.

I’d rather not be perceived so as not to be asked for anything because I have nothing to give. I’m unmoored and empty and failing. Every single day I wake up and… great. Another fucking day. More of this shit in this body that is fucking horrible and I don’t have discipline to make it bend into the shapes I wish it would.

 I wish I was more like my sister who can make herself do the things she needs to do. I don’t even do the things I want. There are so many things I want. And I can’t move to get them. I want to cut my legs off, I want to cut my arms off, I want to put my brain in salty ice water. I want to shave my head, I want to be choked. Or touched, desired would suffice. I wish I had a sex partner. I am not done learning and experimenting. But he seems to be done. He’s always been done. I’m stupid enough to stay here.

 Oh, yeah, also I don’t have any money. I love his company but I need more. I need so much more. I’ve gotten used to being ignored so I do my own thing. But I miss being flirted with and I miss being desired.

 I miss her, because she made me feel fucking amazing but now she does’nt want me anymore either. Because at the end of the day, nobody really does. I’m too complicated and too flawed and too married which is really fuxcking ironic if you think about it. At this point its just a “dont have sex with me “badge because I don’t deserve sex therefore I don’t get it or get it half-assed or get it taken away. 

Im just as good as anybody im just as bad as anybody 

I wish i knew how to play guitar but for real. OR again discipline to actually learn. I want to learn new languages. I want to teach. I want to cook, I want to hike and swim and travel and read and paint 

I want to make masterpieces, take on large intricate projects but I guess I have to start somewhere and I have no idea where to start. I want my art to be in museums. Not international, that doesn’t matter. But locally, that would be nice. For people to want to go see it and stand next to it and observe and see every single tiny detail that I will undoubtedly put into it. A canvas seems so limited, a body seems so limited. I want infinite space for creation. The world could be my canvas if i only wanted it to. Right? 

I dreamt I was at a party at someone’s house. I was hiding out in the bathroom. My

                    Muss weg hier...                         ...hoch...                             muss.                             still.                             sein.....                     Wo bin ich??...                     ...Ich...                         ...kann...                             ...kaum...                                 ...atmen..... Du?!...     ...so hell...                      ...aber unerreichbar......                     Verblasst.                         Verbannt.                             Vergessen.....                     Oh Gott, es tut so weh...                         kann                             nichts                                 retten.....                     Grabe...                         ...tiefer...                                  ...weiter...                         ...einfach weg..... !Ein Funke...                     ...reicht für die Mauer.                     ...Staub in Staub...                         ...Herz in Herz... Stimme?!...     deine Stimme!!...                     ...wo bist du???.....                     Nein... Immer wieder.                          Ich muss!                             ...So bitter.....                     Leere...                         Erstickt...                             So kalt.....                     Eiskalt.....                             Angst..... Offenes Fenster,     Wind,         dein Lachen!?.....                     ...Fäuste geballt. . . .                                                               . . .gestrandet. . .                             . . .nackt. . .                         . . .allein. . . . .                     Säen...                      ernten...                     alles mein Fehler?.....                     ...alles Lügen.....                     Für                      mich...                      Für dich...                                                      Für                             alle...                                                  Für                     gar nichts.....                                           ...Wo                     für?.....

Manchmal versuchen wir, uns in andere Menschen hineinzufühlen, in ihre Ängste, Sehnsüchte und ihren Schmerz. Wenn diese Zeilen dich berühren, dann können sie dir ein Lichtblick sein: Du bist nicht allein.

Kabel an den Schachtwänden ziehen vorbei

Sitze still, nur einige Blicke nach vorn und nach rechts

Schemenhafte Gestalten schweben um mich herum 

Meine Sicht verschwimmt und sucht einen Anker

Zwischen Lichterflackern flüstert leise Dunkelheit

Are u excited to see me?

Do u miss me when I'm gone?

How often do u think about me?

What do u think if u do?

What is it that u see in me?

...And I wonder.

...And I wonder.