Self Healing - Blog Posts

how dare you make it harder for me to hate myself

A constellation of scars (with a soldiers story to tell)

A constellation of scars, they tell the story Of a young soldier, beaten and battle weary The taunts, the jeers of those who seek validation The whispers, the rumours of those who see a threat

A collection of memories, they tell the story Of a bright young child, ready to find glory Studying hard for years to come To see their families proud faces When they hit number one

A tale of joy, fleeting yet forever Their mother, their sister, their brother, their father The times spent together with friends Now only a fantasy

The reality of life, an empty black hole The void in their chest where a heart once called home That absence of feeling that clings to their skin The guilt running through their veins that they cloak themselves in

The temptation of pain, just an itch at first Grows to be unbearable in the times it is worst The scabs on their skin that refuse to heal As they are peeled back again and again For that brief chance to feel

The tunnel of darkness continued to grow Would it ever end? They really didn’t know A call from the shadows in the form of a blade Said it brought peace and a moment of escape

The darkness swarmed in on them, promised to keep them safe In the midst of their pain, they didn’t realise it was a cage As the cuts grew in number on their arms, legs, chest and heart They still felt nothing when skin and blade were apart

As the darkness continued to swallow them whole Their loved ones were worried “Where did they go?” And so the acting began, strings of denies “I’m just tired.” They would say, weaving a web full of lies

The fragile strands tightened and coiled Constricting even them into being embroiled. “Maybe I really am just tired, or overreacting,” “Maybe it’s just for attention, to try and feel what I’m lacking.”

The coils wound tight, choking them slowly And though they didn’t realise it, they were succumbing And so the thoughts of death started creeping onto their head “I feel nothing even when cutting, I’m better off dead.”

An attempt was carried out, though they can barely remember a thing Except waking up in hospital, alive and breathing Their mother had found them, draped over the bathroom sink Wrists slit, bleeding out An ambulance was called There was still no feeling

A year had passed and there was still no sign of the end The web of lies had been broken, but the void in their chest remained Even while being smothered with affection There was still no feeling

The world kept rushing past, they stopped trying to keep up months ago But one day it seemed to halt For just a second There was feeling once more

They had been out with their friends Who hadn’t given up just yet On making them feel again Yet another attempt that was set to fail But it didn’t

It was a simple thing really A joke, a smile and then a tidal wave of laughter Seeing the joy that they thought was lost It caused something to stir

An echo of happiness, plucked from a heartstring It resonated through their body And the void seemed to shrink ever so slightly There was life in them yet

Five years passed and they were still no better That echo being the only thing keeping them tethered to this life Why am I not better yet? I should be happy, I should be healed

They began to notice the world The whispers, the rumours Began to notice How the scars littered their skin

Their body, an art piece For those who merely skimmed the surface, it was dangerous and all consuming So they avoided it Criticising the artist to deny their looming feelings of dread To ignore how deep the scars ran

But to those who saw through the critics’ remarks Those who looked deeper Who broke down the walls Who braved the aggression, the masks and the cruelty And saw what lay behind it all A damaged soul, trying to fix themselves with cut hands

The soul of a broken child who grew up too fast A child with a fragile glass heart Shattered to pieces by the harshness of life The expectations, the judgement, the reality It was shattered to protect the holder from the worst But they were still left with their constellation of scars

Those who saw the true meanings were sometimes driven to madness The weight of it too much for their aching shoulders Too weak to carry yet another burden But there were those who could. Those who saw and still stayed Those who showed them, the echo of a life Pulsing through them still

That constellation of scars, that collection of memories, they tell the story Of a brave young warrior, battling enemies even some of the most experienced had never encountered. How exhausted they were, how sick of fighting Who gave up trying to fight back those monsters Who had lost all faith

But who had life in them A pulse that refused to let go Clinging to them even as the darkness led them, Deeper and deeper into despair Echoing constantly, begging for them to hear A pulse that people helped them find

That brought them from their knees That told the young soldier, “Don’t loose hope yet, I’m still beating.” The young soldier hadn’t given up yet They would be victorious

Their constellation of scars, told of memories Good and bad, joyous and despairing The memories of their life past And would tell of the life to come

As the new scars were added, the jeers stayed the same, Unwavering in their goal to hurt

But still, they lived Though their scars never fully healed, their pain never fully erased The void never fully gone

There were good days Where their scars seemed non existent And there were bad days Which broke them all over again

But what was important Was that even if the light disappeared from the tunnel, Even if the dark seemed inescapable, They would always have the pulse in their chest Cheering them on, keeping them going Awaiting the victory only they can achieve. Steadily beating.

✨The window lighting just hit different✨

When the body calls for rest, listen 🙏🏻✨ Me yesterday crashing at like 5PM lol. Always learn the hard way after pushing myself too hard

work out: 40 minute run

food rules: yes

stretching: yes

studying: 3 hours

meditate: nope

⋆₊˚4/10/2024 – DAY 4 journal

The day after my binge fast was suprisingly good, I thought I'll feel sick or something but nah, it was a regular day. I started it by eating a toast with two eggs, i only ate one because i burnt them both and the second one was just.. uhh.. Yeah, then i *sadly* went to school but I'm trying to make school better to myself so i have to be positive about it. Yay! I went to school. The day wasn't bad but my bsf disrespected me and i was mad at her, tho I'm not anymore. I got a good grade form my polish class and a compliment from my russian class teacher. When i went back home i made myself lunch = a salad my mom made (with greek yogurt so extra healthy) and fried chopped sausages. Then I IMMIDIATELY without any rest went to my room and hopped on my treadmil. I ran for 40 minutes, so my work out was done! Then i again, immidiately, started studying. Okay, there was a little break but it was cleaning the kitchen, so it wasn't really a break. I studied for 3 hours straight because I have a math exam today and i didn't know anything, but i do now - yay! Then it was already dark outside and my hair was super greasy so i just took a shower and washed my hair, its sooo soft now. It was already 8PM when i finished so i went back to my room, started working on my subliminal (I didn't finish it, if anyone is intrested then bbabybrooke is the name of my channel!!). I watched some YT videos and just went to sleep 💤

work out: yes

food rules: nope.. absolutely not

stretching: yes

studying: no

meditation: nope

<10k steps, <2L of water

⋆₊˚3/10/2024 – DAY 3 journal

On sundays i have rest days but that day i had a huge binge fest lol, my breakfast was cakes, cakes, cakes, then i snacked on salad and continued to eat only sweets. My break from them was lunch, chuck steak with silesian dumplings. I felt a lil guilty so i did a HIIT workout, i didnt finish it because i felt kinda weak, but i did leg pilates after! I didn't read a book nor did i go out on a walk, so i did only maybe like 200 steps lolllll. I don't feel guilty tho, it's just one day and im not gonna repeat it. Not the end of the world!

WORK OUT: done

FOOD RULES: done

STRETCHING: done

SHOWER: done

STUDYING AND MEDITATING: nope

--- <1500 calories, <15k steps :c

⋆₊˚1/10/2024 – DAY 1 journal

I planned to go to sleep early, wake up at 5:30 am, work out early etc. but sadly I couldn't because i had to wait for my sister to come back from work (2 hours after i was supposed to go to sleep). So, I woke up at 7am and washed my hair and showered. It took a whole hour! After washing my hair, i worked out - today was pilates, i only did half tho. Yeah, I should work out before showering BUT i take a long time in the bathroom and others wanted to get ready too, so i had to be smart and shower earlier. I did only the first 30 minutes of pilates and then stretched, I did gua sha too! Few hours later we were in the church for 2 hours and went to visit the graves of our family members. Then we went to visit my grandpa (dad's side) and it was fun ngl, we were talking and i finally didnt spend much time on my phone - instead we talked, a lot! (I'm an extreme introvert) Then we went to my grandma (mom's side), she had cake but i didn't eat any of it because im on a no sugar diet. It didn't make me sad tho, I didn't crave sugar that much today. We talked a lot too, and i didnt even take my phone! I felt sooo pretty and i actually accepted that im fr attractive (I have body dysmorphia disorder). I got two strawberry chocolate bars from my grandma (dad's side) and some cake from my grandpa (mom's side). After we came back home, i did the other part of my pilates. Then i relaxed and played DTI, did my skincare and read some books. It's sleep time now💤

: ̗̀➛ Ways to take care of yourself

Make a workout plan that works well with your menstrual cycle.

Deep clean your room.

Take an everything shower.

Plan your week.

Eat a nutritious snack.

Try a new recipe.

Buy a new fragnance or scented lotion.

Stretch or do yoga.

Talk to yourself.

Look in the mirror and point out every nice thing about yourself.

Read or reread the book you love.

Study for the next test.

Cut blue light an hour before sleeping.

Drink tea after waking up.

Limit your screen time.

Don't surround yourself with negative media (art, posts, etc.).

Dress up nicely.

Research a topic you like

Replay your favourite game.

Spend some time with the person you love and care about.

Try to understand the cause of your bad habits.

Look at motivating (not toxic) posts.

Affirm after waking up and before going to sleep.

Buy a beautiful and comfortable pijama.

Rearrange your room.

Find a new, intresting hobby.

Look for a fragnance that suits you and your personality the best.

Write out the things you want to change about yourself.

Don't skip important hygiene; brushing teeth, washing hair, skipping skincare, showering.

Take a hot relaxing bath.

Completely relax and just think without any distractions; music, subliminals, etc.

Set a new yet small goal you want to work towards to.

Remind yourself of your journey and how far you've come.

Work on your posture.

Cuddle with your animal.

Take a nap.

Buy a new candle.

Romanticise your life and every small thing about it.

Drink some lemon/cucumber water.

Find a new intresting show.

Create a new playlist with your favourite songs.

Find a new comfort YouTuber.

Think about your fun childhood memories.

Try a new form of exercise.

Make a vision board.

Get a therapist, and if you can't: talk with strangers online.

Listen to yout favourite subliminals.

Create a moodboard.

Create a new peace of jewerly.

Give away the clothes you dont wear anymore.

Create a visionboard and look at it everyday while affirming.

Try a new makeup style.

Go out without doing your makeup.

Get used to your 'effortless' look; no makeup, lay clothes, tied hair.

Get used to failing and learn from your mistakes.

Be grateful for the simple things you're blessed with.

Listen to a podcast.

Go on a walk.

Choose your kind of 'perfection'.

Think about deep topics and write about it.

---- 1/10/2024 entry

* It's finally october, yay! I love fall, it's so cozy and its perfect for staying inside, sleeping, reading or baking. It's also the month where i will start my diet and working out again, since tomorrow ill have a mini treadmill!

* Today was fine, ig. I had two tests at school and got A's from both. After school I slept the whole day. The only thing that makes me kinda mad is that I have two freaking pimples on my forehead, ughhh I hate getting my period.

* Did yall heard about the Diddy situation? I digged so much into it, spent 3 hours straight watching YouTube videos about it that I don't think I'll sleep tonight. Im just so sorry for his victims - he's disgusting and he's gonna rot in hell. I also believe he killed Tupac..

* That's it for today! Ik, pretty boring, but a journal is a journal, so I had to write an entry loll !! Bye angels xx 🩷🪽

🍂 School day update

It's the first day, it was fine. Not good, not bad. My 'best friend' was of course talking with the girl from her class she 'hates' and she was ignoring me. I hate her, ill just hang out with my cousin and my life long best friend and not that hoe

It hurts it constantly hurts when you are treated like shit constantly false accused even tho  its fake it hurts. Its not the people I'm afraid of its the thought of what they think about me is something I am afraid about

̶$̶V̶M̶

stop hating yourself for everything you're not. start loving yourself for everything you are.

I just met My OC in my dream and she made me cry (in a good way)

“I think Punpun… didn’t want Watanabe to be a liar. He was worried that another person would get hurt because of him.” -Inio Asano

I’ve been putting out the energy I want and not getting it. Now I’m going to just reflect the energy I get.

Prompt 3: Self-curiosity

How do I define myself when I’m alone versus when I’m with others? When Im around others especially if they are folks i dont know that well i try to take on a job or be helpful in some way. Its like i dont know who i am around ohter people without having that assigned role to play. So I usually volunteer when im going to new events and stuff. It also helps me meete new people. When Im alone i dont know if i define myself at all. I dont really consider myself. Maybe thats what i should be getting curious about. What is one strength I undervalue or overlook? By definition this one seems hard. haha Um. Attention to detail when i choose to use it. I can get really focused.

Prompt 2: judgement

1. What are three things I’d change about myself if no one could judge me?

If no one could judge me I would make myself less nice. Im too often a pushover and people pleaser and I want to be stronger in myself. I would be slender and strong. Like one of those folks who doesnt look strong but can pick up nearly their own weight. Quietly powerful. I would be louder. I have been taught for so much of my life to keep quiet and deal with things. I want to be able to be LOUD. I'm not good at that even when it's appropriate.

2. What is my biggest fear about how others perceive me? People look to me for guidance and being a rational voice. Its nice to know that Im seen that way sometimes, but Im only human. I am fallible and I get things wrong. I fear giving bad advice and suggestions and leading folks wrong.

Prompt 1: self love

A friend of mine on other social media has started posting discussion prompts and im going to start answering them over here i think. Youre welcome to follow along. The first prompt was about self love and how we plan to love ourselves. Im showing self love by spending time cleaning the house today so i have a nice environment to live in. My brain works better when there is less mess. Im going to listen to a book I like while Im doing it to make the time pass faster. One of my therapists one time told me to pick a book I really like and only let myself listen to it when im doing something productive like cleaning or exercising. Im also going to do exercize and make sure to drink plenty of water. I got a new water bottle with marks so i can count how much Im drinking. Ive already taken one walk this morning, and i added ankle weights so that every step is a bit harder. Im going to leave them on through the day so im constantly working out a little bit. Thinking about getting one of those weight vests.

Scars

My body is littered with Scars that I made. Pinks and bright whites, ridges and dips, a minefield of lines hide what's underneath. A broken soul and an empty heart, the remnants of a shattered boy, smashed by the ones who were meant to protect. Surviving the only way I know how, with Scars on my skin and my shattered soul.

This is about my struggle with sh, how my scars are something I'm scared of people seeing, but are still somehow things I look at and feel a strange love for. How I feel so numb and tired all the time, and how when I do feel it is dulled a distant, and I don't know what it is. How I was broken by people who's love was meant to be unconditional, yet they caused me pain in form of screamed words, sarcastic sneered comments, ridicule and physical hurt. How the only way they left me to cope was through taking control of who hurt me by hating and hurting myself. I'm going to have to learn how to heal these shards and learn to feel again when I get out, but for now I must only survive. Albeit slightly healthier than I did or sometimes still do, as I have had to teach myself how to help and work with my brain. To people out there who feel the same, I hear you. You will not always live in silent fear. I promise. ✌️♥️🌱

It's in the Silence that everything heals

Forced myself to forget… And in the process, healed myself too.

Slow the World: Water.falls

A video clip series to sooth your soul. By exploration photographer Idee Montijo.

A deep plunging waterfall hidden away in the wilderness of New England slows down for a time. Watch the drops and streams leisurely drape over the jagged rock face. Draw in a full breath. The finest mist coats and cools your skin as your ears fill with soothing water sounds.

I invite you to experience the Idee Explores video portfolios on Vimeo and YouTube.

How does one go back to the things they once loved?

I've been trying to write. I've been trying to read. I've been trying to drink coffee.

I've been trying to trace my steps back to my first loves.

I didn't know going back to those things that you once loved was hard. It scared me how things that I once said were a part of my soul feel like strangers.

Going back to things I loved before is like meeting an old version of me that I didn't even know I'd forgotten.

It's painful. But it also feels like I am slowly healing.

Stony brook 🧿🦋✨💤🧢

"New year new me"

*lays in the dirt so that what nutrition my body weakly clings to is recycled by the fungus and maggots of the wood*

Goddess’ guide to dating yourself

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but ladies we need to start dating ourselves.

Whether you are in a relationship or not, you need to do this.

Why?

Because your best relationship in your life should be with yourself. In fact, your longest relationship is with yourself. Show your self some love! Fall in love with yourself. Dating yourself can help you become more confident and secure with yourself. It can help us know our worth.

1. Find something you are passionate about and hone in on it! This is your chance to do and try new things until you find something you like and even when you find something you like, keep trying things. Go back and do things you used to do and see if you still like it. Try painting, photography, yoga, reading, guitar, knitting… the list is endless.

2. Become more independent!

Is there something you’ve always wanted to do but never did because you were waiting for someone else to do it with you? This is your time to do it by yourself. Life is short, you don’t have time to wait for someone else to do something with you. Go take that class by yourself, go see the world by yourself, go shopping by yourself, take yourself to that new restaurant.

3. Get to know yourself more!

In more ways than one, you should get to know yourself. My favorite way to do this is to answer those question prompts from pinterest. They can help you find your passions, your limits, your dreams, your desires. Find your limits and boundaries. Things that you will and won’t put up with anymore and stick to them. Also, Masturbation, ladies. Know how to make yourself feel good. Your pleasure shouldn’t be solely dependent on someone else.

4. Get in tuned with your body and mind!

Try meditating, journaling, yoga, vision boarding. Learn what your body likes and dislikes. Do your makeup a new way. And then do it again. Get a massage or facial. Or DIY it. Wear that killer outfit you’ve been saving. Do a photoshoot. Find your angles. Do breath work. Affirmations. Therapy can do wonders for your life.

Date ideas?

1. Take yourself on a picnic. Pack a cute basket of your favorite snacks and foods. Grab a bottle of wine and a blanket and sit with yourself in the park. Maybe read that book you’ve been meaning to.

2. Watch a movie. Years ago, I used to buy matinee tickets, buy popcorn and watch movies at the theater by myself and it was wonderful. You can do the same at home.

3. Go to a restaurant. I know the allure of take out will be hard to resist but do it! Dress up in your finest outfit. Make your makeup and hair killer. Take yourself to the cute cafe or restaurant you’ve been dying to try. Order something new. Savor your food.

4. Take yourself to the store. If you’re a bookworm like me, I’d suggest Barnes and noble or another book store. If you’re not a book person, try a clothing store or a tea shop or other specialty shop. Go to a store you’ve never been to.  Take your time, look around. Take pictures of everything. Imagine yourself buying something. Actually buy it, if you can. Take note of all the things you want in that store.

5. Organize. Hear me out here. Make a date out of de-cluttering and organizing. Turn on your favorite playlist or tv show or podcast. Start clearing out things you don’t need and make room for new things. Sing at the top of your lungs. Dance like no one’s watching. Make a fashion show out of it. Make your house cozy and smell good. Let it become a place you enjoy being in.

Get out there and do the things you love to do! Fall in love with life!

Enough

This fire gets dimmer,

But as long as there's a glimmer,

I won't stop to desire.

So I'll lie my way through

To stick with you,

And I'll promise this lie,

That I'll stick by your side.

For you're my home,

The only thing I hope to know,

And when I'm all alone,

You're the only one I can hold.

So chin up, hold our head high.

Don't hold back your tears,

It's OK not to hide.

Under these fears,

It's OK to feel shame.

Bad days are just,

In the scheme of things.

There's no one to blame,

You're enough for me,

One day you'll see.

For you've got me,

And I'm enough for me,

Some day, together, we'll be free.

-pyxisjaded

We are not, nor should we be, immutable.

All things change,

The seasons as the earth spins round the sun,

The wind as air heats and cools,

The symphony of sounds as day turns to night.

We are no different,

We can and should change,

And yet we rail against it.

We hold this notion that must alway know who we are and thus must never change,

Yet we still know the earth as the seasons change,

We still know the air as the winds change,

We still know the songs of day and night no matter how they change.

To know yourself does not mean you cannot change,

But simply that you must accept change knowing that regardless it is still you.

Never, NEVER underestimate the heart of a champion.