Literally Every Time I Come Up With An NPC On The Spot They Become An Unoffical Party Mascot Or Some

Liar Liar (Wasteland Monarchy) by Kamelot.

I listen to music as a shower timer and it played so now it’s in my head.

ATTENTION

If you see this you are OBLIGATED to reblog w/ the song currently stuck in your head :)

Real. I don’t really use anything else so if tumblr dies I’m gone

"if tumblr dies you can find me on bluesky" "if tumblr dies you can find me on Instagram" if tumblr dies you cannot find me. It's over. I'm free.

Welp. Fully moved in and unpacked. I feel strange. Though I did get to go to one of our basketball games tonight. We won, and boy do I love the student section so much already. I think I’m gonna do well here in my new world

Man I love having no cohesive thoughts sometimes. Been trying to think of something worthwhile to post but can’t. So that’s my random thought. Brain be wilding not making any sense. Love that for me.

I feel called out, as I sit in bed scrolling instead of sleeping

Sooooo I know I said I’d probably post some art here from time to time, but like I lowkey haven’t had the time to do any since starting school. I wanna draw so bad but I just don’t have time

NINE SOLS SPOILERS BELOW!! They’re minor non-story spoilers, but I said I’d put a warning anyway, so turn away if you don’t want to deal with it

General Yingzhao flipping sucks coming off a long break of combat games. He’s literally the first real boss of the game and because I haven’t played a video game where parrying is a REQUIRED mechanic in almost three years my skill flipping sucks and I’ve spent a cumulative two and a half hours just trying to consistently get to phase two.

I mean I get his first phase attack pattern really well but I just can’t parry consistently enough to avoid getting absolutely combo-womboed. And when I get comboed I get flipping COMBOED and there’s just nothing I can do but take it.

I “don’t” (I actually do) look forward to the next bosses of the game because I just want my parrying ability to not suck for once lol.

This lowkey sounds angry but I genuinely am so excited for the rest of the game once I can get to it. And it’s purely because this is the first game in a long while where I’ve actually enjoyed how stinking difficult the game is. The story is still confusing for now but I’m just here for the ride with my boy Yi.

Can’t imagine how people can live their life alone as adults. Like what do you mean I can’t just call up a friend and plan an outing to get food, or watch a movie, or just hang out? What do you mean society and life in general tries to keep people apart??

As a kid I was taught that having friends and being a good friend was super important, but we all let our work and other life worries get in the way of that, so what changed? Is having friends just not actually that important?? Am I missing something or what?

OR, just maybe, it’s me. Maybe, just maybe, I haven’t found the right people yet…

Oh who am I kidding, society hates when people have social lives and friends. All of our time is supposed to be put into making money so rich people can make more money. No time for friends, we gotta spend our time wasting away either in school or at work for the establishment because otherwise it’s really freaking hard to even survive. Moreso work than schooling, since I do believe that getting an education is important, but we also gotta have a good work/life balance so we can have time to spend with our friends and families.

Anyway random thought of the morning over

Very accurate. I really don’t care to pretend around people. If you’re being an idiot I’m inclined to either say something about it or let my distaste for it, and you, be very evident. Usually the latter. But also sometimes there’s nothing you can do and so you just gotta walk away because if you don’t you’re going to lose braincells.

One of my favourite parts about autistic people is how you can use other peoples' reflections of them like an echolocation bullshit detector. Like they personally do not need to do shit for this to work, they just passively emit their own autistic vibe that bounces off every surface around them, and you can assess another person's level of self-awareness by how they reflect it back.

"Autistic people do not understand social hierarchy" nope, they understand you're supposed to be an authority here, but they won't politely pretend to respect you if they think you're incompetent.

"Autistic people do not understand humour" nope, they just don't politely pretend to laugh to humour you, and you are simply not funny.

"Autistic people are rude" nope, they just don't think it's polite to lie to you, and don't care about trying to tell you what they think you want to hear instead of telling you what they think.

"Autistic people sometimes have emotional meltdowns for absolutely no reason" nope, you're just insufferable to be around and the person with the lowest tolerance of your shit is simply the canary in the coal mine who breaks first.

Little more serious post/rant today. Sorry it’s so long, I don’t feel like doing a TLDR. If you don’t want to read about mental health struggles skip this post. Hope to return to goofy dumb stuff soon.

Dealing with heartbreak sucks. I’m not a perfect person but being lied to and feeling like no one gives a crap because you’re a flawed and broken person trying to be as good as possible is one of the worst things in the world, especially when they then continue to act like nothings wrong.

What makes it worse is when I’m not entirely sure what all exactly I did wrong. I know of a few things that I’ve been working on since finding out, but I was never really given a reason as to why it all fell apart. I don’t know if it was all my fault or not and I hate that. Like I’m a deeply empathetic person and care about what those I care about think and feel. I want them to be happy. And if I make them unhappy I want to know why so I can improve myself in areas I may be lacking.

I mean, they’re my friends, family, or other loved ones. The people whose opinions I care about. But with being autistic it’s really hard to not be a people-pleaser sometimes, and sometimes I just want things to go back to how they were. But they aren’t going to and so I want to try to be better. When that’s not feasible for any reason, whether because I’m too dumb to figure out how, or people just won’t tell me what I did wrong, or whatever, it hurts like hell.

I’ve spent a good chunk of my life so far living through a personal Hell, and the only things keeping me sane is a loving family and a good therapist. I’ve been blessed with great parents, though often times they don’t know how to help. My therapist has told me that I need friends. The thing is, my friends rarely speak to me anymore, they’re always busy, and care more about their friends at college or at work. They’ve all moved on in their lives, and seem to have completely forgotten about me. And yet I can’t help but still care about them.

I live each day with crippling pain and intense loneliness and it feels like nothing ever changes socially. I can grow and improve myself all I want, but that won’t make people like me or even remember me. Because at the end of the day, I’m still an autistic, depressed freak of nature that the world and society aren’t made for. And I’ve got to live with that every day. Sometimes I grow so tired of it that I wish I was different so that I could feel accepted and wanted. So that I can feel worthy of being loved by someone else.

Oftentimes, as I’m doing things I enjoy by myself, I feel like I’d be happier spending my time with someone else. But no one cares enough to do that. Not anymore anyway. They’ve all got lives and I’m stuck unable to work while waiting for school to start. Life is lonely. One of my favorite songs, At the Risk of Feeling Dumb has the lines “At the risk of feeling dumb, check in / it’s not worth the risk of losing a friend” I wish I was worthy enough of a friend for people to check in from time to time.

But to be honest, I’ve lived this long without it, that at this point it feels like a luxury just out of my reach. There was a time I really really needed it, and didn’t receive it, and yet I’m still here. Somehow I made it on my own. I know I’m capable of doing it all on my own, but I don’t want that. I want other people to be around. I want them to want me around. And right now that’s just not really a possibility.

I’m so tired. I woke up this morning feeling really freaking depressed, and getting this all out of my head onto the one site where no one knows who I am (except of course for one person), and where next to no one reads this blog of mine, feels good.

If you’ve read this far, thank you. Have a good day because you deserve it. I hope to have a more goofy, fun post out either later today or sometime tomorrow.