Synopsis: Watching The Seasons Change, The Moon And Sun Circle Across The Sky, And Your Mistrust Disappear,

The way he thuds his fists here! I need more angry Noa 😍

Please! 🥺🤭

Yes, I finally got out of the hole😅 Really well rested)) I solemnly declare that by Christmas or thereabouts, a present awaits you - a new chapter of "Creation"... Where everything will become a little clearer and things will start to happen a little faster...^^ Wish y'all happy holydays, bunnies!

❄️☃️🥧🎀🎁🎉🎄

Modest gifts from loved ones

💕🕯️🩷 🩷📔💕

(They know, how much I adore such cute little things...)

(A doubly symbolic holiday for me, by the way - because on this day of the calendar three years ago my tiny bunny was born^^)

🎉 🎂🤏🥰💓🐰

Assure, I haven't disappeared. It's just that March 12 was my Birthday — and I got caught up in the holiday hustle and bustle, as it happens. I'm a bit burnt out, so I moved the publication date — but it will definitely be delicious ☺️😋💗💞🎊💐

Since last year I have started a tradition of drawing the symbol of the year according to the Chinese calendar (this year, as an experiment, according to the Slavic also...

(🐉 ⏩ 🐍🐝))

Just some fun about me and my hyperfixation. To take a break from writing the next chapter of "Creation", I... watch Nomae edits and videos of baby chimps. Yeah, this universe holds me captive😅

"Creation" Chapter 2. Moment that stretching out for minutes

A/N: I have terrible insomnia - but I decided to turn it to my advantage and publish now

Word count: 3,9K

Warnings: mentions of violence, blood and injuries, molestation, corpses and death, post-traumatic stress, short description of nudity, swear words and self-harm (but there mostly safe)

🎧 Jurrivh — Forever

The sun, making way through the hut, beats on your temples. It is stuffy under the blanket of skins. The nest is heated and disturbed — you were tossing and turning in your sleep as if in a battle.

Slimy dreams of encroachments on you. There is no getting rid of it. It has been going on for years, and these memories will follow you, follow your footprints and squeeze the strength out of you.

From the overwhelming despair you want to scream, to tear your voice until it is hoarse, to choke in powerless, unceasing sobs — you cannot forget your past and cannot know your future in advance. You do not know how to live in the present. Without regrets, without disappointments and without fear. Tracks of tears cut your cheeks, flow to your lips.

You can't cry! — you remind yourself of one of the damned rules.

You can't cry here, because you don't trust this place. Because you don't trust any place you'll ever find yourself. And because you don't have faith in the best, no matter what.

You wipe away the tears that are pouring down your face — and almost laugh from the relief that has come all at once. Not a single cut on your face or hands stings from the salt.

You look at yourself, look at the layers of ointment applied to your tortured skin — to understand where the excruciating pain inflicted by the tormentors has evaporated. After all, only the itching scattered across the body reminds you of it.

And the scars that heal surprisingly quickly.

On your thigh, mutilated by a knife — also healed, but festering — over the shreds of your trousers, there is a bandage. Neat and clean. Made exactly like your blood mother did, when you played and mutilated yourself. And exactly like your foster mother did, when she treated your wounds in a glass room smelling of medicine... You put your palm on the bandage and drive the memories away. You pray that the tears rolling down your chin will dry quick.  And so that these memories return in dreams, and not others.

The fabric of your pants is no longer good for anything. You tear off the legs, above the knees, without regret. The threads crack. The scraps of fabric that remain on you now resemble not clothes, but the underwear that is usually hidden under that.

But even if you leave everything as is, your soaking wet, mud-stained clothes were already underwear. Rags. The kind that men tore off screaming, beaten girls and women where you died.

Your eyes dart to the corners.

Your eyes search, where is something to hide the body parts that the men in the settlement hunted?..

And will this hunt continue here?..

After all, you are sure they are all the same.

You feel naked when the evening wind seeps into the hut and blows on your unprotected shoulders and legs. You hug yourself. Your gaze falls on the sky spread out at arm's length.

The sky-blue robe Noa left behind is first in your hands as you sit at the head of the bed — and then, the sky-blue robe is on your body, covering your bare skin and healing injuries.

Stepping onto the floor with bare feet, you smile blissfully — your legs gain strength. The mark of the knife is still purple on you, but you can straighten your back and look forward. And not shake with anxiety.

The fabric lies along the hollows of your collarbones and neck.

The heavenly surface envelops you. It feels like calm. A silent question freezes in your throat — can you trust this feeling?

The fabric is enough to hide your boobs, visible through the shirt, from the eyes of the clan males. The curves of your hips and knees are also hidden in the falling blue.

Your human nature is also hidden, albeit only partially.

Flowing and half-transparent, this robe gives you a semblance of confidence — it is similar to what covers the shoulders of Noa's mother. Her name is Dar, as you heard from the anxious questions and requests addressed to her. She is virtuous. You remember how it was she who washed you from blood and smeared you with life-giving ointment when you fell unconscious. The robe also resembles the feathers in the bracelet on Noa's forearm. He carried you in his arms.  But when the healing female chimpanzees began to undress you, fallen asleep, in order to heal your countless injuries, he immediately left — so as not to see your nakedness.

Another memory creeps under the fabric you've put on, from your waist to your neck. A man's mouth twisted into a smirk. A man's eyes greedily examining your untouched body. A man's hands folding you almost in half. Your hiked-up dress skirt. Your escape into the oppressive room of changing cloth the corpses...

When Noa said he'd seen you shirtless, you were scared. And angry. What if he'd lied? What if he'd seen much more?..

But he was honest.

After all, knowing many stories about the ferocious strength of apes, you couldn't help but admit — if only Noa wanted, he would easily see those parts of your body that you hid from all of the men. And he certainly wouldn't need to account to you for what he may saw. Or for what he may did.

But Noa didn't cling into you, didn't decide to have fun with you, a weak little echo.

Instead, Noa gave you a thing that could replace your crippled past.

And you accept this thing.

This fabric is bright. Not at all like the almost colorless shirts, trousers, skirts and dresses made of crushed materials. Left in the closet that you will never open again.

The fabric is bright, like the immaculate morning sky. Like a pond babbling with joy. Like the colors of the butterflies that once long ago circled around you...

The fabric is bright, like your childhood left behind the hills and lowlands...

A lump of sadness trembles inside you.

This sadness creates an immeasurable emptiness inside you — because of this, despite everything, you do not want to cry... This sadness creates a light inside you that doesn't dissipate and does not go out.

Nothing will return the good, cloudless, that was in your past. But no one can take away your memory. It cannot be expressed, but the unfamiliar sky-blue fabric reminds you of the most carefully preserved days lived. You accept this reminder humbly — you accept the future that has come. Even if it is foggy.

In the end, if you didn't have a chance for the future, and if the apes were so bloodthirsty — they would have finished you off while you were sleeping. Or, you would have already been tortured until you breathed your last... Or, you would have already been passed around in circles... Or, you would have been eaten alive... But you were saved by the apes and your wounds are healing thanks to them.

And you have nowhere to go from here.

You no longer hesitate because of the rain pouring down in your soul — the evening is clear, and you grab tightly onto everything that comes your way.

After spending monotonous years in confinement underground, you will be able to adapt to life in the bosom of nature.

Adjusting the fabric gathers and adjusting it on yourself so as to more reliably cover your own vulnerability, you are tormented not by doubts, but by curiosity. Does other apes wears something like this? What significance do things like that have here?

You nod to yourself, tightening the tight knot and unclenching your trembling fingers. A sky-blue stain spreads over you, from your collarbones to your calves.

You will think about the meaning of this robe later. For now — painting yourself in this color seems like the least you can do now to express your gratitude.

Although, you still tie the old, torn to shreds shirt around your hips, over the new robe.

The next step you take — to find out what your life will be like in this, as yet uninhabited, hut — seems important and necessary. And interesting. You move away from the nest, starting to examine and touch everything you can reach.

The arrangement of apes differs from the arrangement of peaceful people who lived next to your blood parents, too insignificantly. The same semblance of curtains, the same dishes. Probably, the same habits. The same bits of houses, not prisons, which you will always keep in your memory in order to live on...

Looking around, you come across a feather tickling your palm. Light brown, fluffy. Taking it carefully and twirling it between your fingers, you assume that the bird it belongs to is definitely large. This fact does not cause you any concern — for almost a day of wandering, leaving a bloody trail like a tail, you have avoided attacks from any forest dwellers. Since childhood, you believed that if you do nothing bad to the creatures of nature and respect its laws, nature will be merciful.

Thanks to this faith, you are alive, health and healing. And therefore you follow this faith.

The feather was lying not far from the exit of the hut, among other household utensils. The winged guest must have dropped it on his way home.

Or is this the bird's home — here?

The teen apes, standing apart from the general excitement, said something about birds after Noa announced his decision — but you didn't hear what exactly.

Among the things created by hand and almost indistinguishable from those you used before, your gaze stops on painstakingly hewn, sharpened blocks of wood. They are small, fit in both your folded hands — you do not understand what they are intended for and you want to take a closer look.

Footsteps are heard beyond the threshold.

As if scalded with boiling water, you twitch. And look for a place to hide. Again... It will take you a long time to get rid of this reflex.

Still holding the feather and wooden block that captured your attention in your hands, you listen. Not the same footsteps that Noa took as he left the shelter you had found, the one he had provided, into the thickening darkness — not heavy, and not shuffling from restrained righteous anger.

Cautious footsteps.

You turn around to see who's milling around outside your new home. You shake your head, not believing yourself and your own sleepy thoughts. Your new home?..

Seeing you on two legs and without heavy eyelids, Soona smiles. At least, that's what you think. It's hard to be sure, since she's still hesitating on the threshold, not going inside. Oh, damn. It's probably because of your rude, unnecessary words spoken with gestures. Noa probably warned his friends not to bother you.

Lowering your head and sighing, you gesture for Soona to come in.

“Echo is feeling... better? That’s good. Then... it’s a long day ahead” Soona’s voice is actually happy when she sees you standing and moving without pain.

“How long did I sleep?.. Children were not scared?” you say. After a long silence, these words seem difficult to say.

“They were worried... about you” Soona adds with gestures that two days have passed. You think that you should fulfill your promise. Go quickly to the little chimps and tell them a new story.

"So where you were?.." You can’t help but ask. After all, you don’t understand why Noa was next to your bed when you woke up?

"Next to you... One by one... Me. Then Anaya. Then Noa... Now again"

The thoughts in your head are confused, mixed up. This is confusion. This is a coincidence. Even after he snatched you from the jaws of death, Noa is a stranger to you. A male. From which comes a hidden threat. He killed to save you. He was ready to fight his kindred, who humiliated you in front of the crowd. Even when he walked away, without answering your silent accusations with a single bad word, he was furious. His breath reared the hanging lights, his intonation chilled you to the heels.

That's why you woke up from the nightmare, wrapped in panic and animal skins. You are grateful to Noa. But you are afraid of him. You don't know what must happen for you to utter even a word intended for him.

And you must always be on guard.

Noa's behavior is not at all like what your father's instructions warned you about. His actions are similar to those feats that were told to you in the semi-darkness by your mother's voice. Everything about him is different from the horror that you lived through. Everything about him is different from the horror that you managed to avoid. But how do you know that he will not compromise his own honor? How do you know that he will not encroach on your honor?..

"So why is there a long day ahead?" You ask, looking determined and smiling. To get out of your own thoughts, wandering into a dangerous thicket.

"There is a lot to learn... And a lot to do" Soona explains and takes your hand, leading you outside.

***

The evening spreads out over the dwellings, golden-burgundy. The sun rolls below the horizon, disappearing behind the forest, hills and rocks. This is the first sunset you have seen in endless years — just like the dawn that blessed you two days ago among the damp earth and grass.

Seeing off and greeting the heavenly light seems like a waking dream to you — although you know that for Mother Nature this is a daily hand-made labor. You want to pinch yourself when the haze of clouds changes shade in front of your amazed eyes. The sky is pink-red, covered with a crumbly sun shine...

Tears are creeping up to your eyelashes, but you blink them away and continue to peer at the painstakingly painted heavenly canvas.

A thin blue stripe is visible under the raspberry-pink clouds.

Soona, holding your hand, gently pulls your palm — you have lost track of time and have been standing there admiring the sky for several minutes.

"Is there sky always like this?.. So multi-colored?" you ask, returning from the sky to the ground.

"You will have time... to see for yourself" Soona assures you. You follow her along the monkey village, awkwardly climbing up. "And now... we need to hear the word of the Elders. Then, go... to the lake"

"The word of the Elders about me?.." you wonder, already entering another, spacious hut hung with many intricate accessories.

This is not someone's house. More like a meeting room.

And this confuses you. Hasn't everything about you already been discussed before the noisy crowd?.. You hear muffled, low voices. And you are not afraid. Even though there are a few males among the lived long lives chimps, they have the same gray hair and wrinkles as the veterans in the dungeon. And they were there, in the boiling lava Hell, a ray of hope and wisdom.

Besides, Dar is sitting in the depths of the hut. This gives you a shaky confidence that there is no reason to worry.

You bow in an attempt to repeat the bow that among the apes, as you have come to understand, expresses respect.

Right above the heads of the Elders, eagles have settled down, as if conferring with them. Their beaks are directed at your forehead when you straighten up again. Or, are their beaks directed at the fish on the flat plate?.. You look at the birds with genuine interest. After all, you have seen them, like so many other things that the world has kept from you, only on the colorless pages of books.

Colorless... The color... No, that can't be. That, too, is a coincidence. Only now do you notice - everyone sitting here is dressed in blue. Here sit the minds of the clan, wise with graces, adversities, and experience. And they are wearing the same fabrics that you are wearing. A little darker and worn differently. But the same fabrics. What does this mean?.. Why did Noa tell you to wear this?.. The knot you tied at your waist feels tight.

There are a swarm of questions in your head.

Nodding at the gesture you don't understand, Soona lets go of your hand and leaves the hut — but she doesn't leave, she stays to watch from the outside.

"Come closer, child... And sit down" the voices are still ringing out, but all sounds in your ears suddenly fade away when Dar calls you. Hesitantly, you sit down on the indicated place, next to her. "Soon you will run... like a little deer" She examines your wounds almost motherly.

"Thank you for helping me..." you whisper with your lips, folding your hands in the only expression of gratitude you know. The elders sympathize with you, but they are unhappy with your presence. "I know I have disturbed. I can leave at dawn... Just let me survive this night here, I beg"

Tear out and chew your own tongue - that's what you want to do now. After all, you swore not to be like this. Not to show weakness. But the plea escapes from your mouth against your will. After all, another night in the forest may be your last.

Praising all the gods known and unknown and whispering nonsense, you sink to the floor. Nothing helps. You are about to burst into tears.

"Not me, that's my son... helped you" Dar puts his hands on your shoulders, calming you down and helping you up. "I'm proud of him. But not everyone agrees... with his decision... Right, Vikima?.."

That elderly female chimpanzee with the cane sits in the circle. Dar addresses her as an equal — and you are ashamed that she saw your stupid, worthless behavior. But her eyes are almost blind, she does not put down the cane even while sitting. That is not why she is against you. She is against all echoes. You understand her fear — from her mournful, unseeing gaze, it is clear that this fear is not groundless.

Noa's silhouette is visible at the entrance to the hut.

Hunched over and breathing noisily, he doesn't bow — his status allows him not to do so. But he expresses respect with a complex movement of his hands, which you will hardly be able to remember and repeat. He was in a hurry.

He looks at you, at your eyelashes shaking with tears. Just like the first time you met, when tears flowed down your scratched cheeks like dew.

“Well... I won’t argue with... the new Master of the Birds. Too old...” Vikima’s voice creaks as Noa also sits down next to his mother. “Let just... your son answering... where has it ever been seen that... echoes shared their homes with apes? Has he really... forgotten... that echoes bring with them... only destruction... and death?”

“If she... had a home. If she hadn’t hidden... like a rabbit from an owl. And if she hadn’t been almost killed by four hands... of echoes like her. And if she hadn’t bled to death...” You hear the growl lingering in Noa’s ribs, not escaping from his mouth.  "I wouldn't bring her... But from this day on, she's going to live here. There's no other place for her"

The disgruntled grumbling stops, but it's like you're back in the forest. Among the thorny branches and wet leaves. Noa was watching you before the bastards threw you down on the cobblestones.

Noa couldn't help but save you. The thought sounds so strange in your head.

Before, men only wanted to beat you, fuck you and kill you — and the male chimpanzee who appeared like a shadow saved you. Not to make fun of you in the most vulgar sense — as the upside-down stories said, — but to ensure your safety... You don't know how to believe this thought.

"For her here... everything is strange" the bald old male, sitting in the distance, support Vikima. "How will an echo divide... our householding?"

You refrain from objecting only when you notice Noa's dissuading glance, invisible to anyone except you.

"The children are happy with her appearance... Isn't this a word from above?" Dar asks, looking up. At the birds and the sky covered with twilight. On this question, which does not require an answer, the advice, apparently, is over. "Let her go to them for now... Settle in... Then we will decide what work she will take up... Go, son. And you go, child"

Silently agreeing, albeit reluctantly, the Elders disperse. Their blue robes darken in the light of the flickering hanging lights.

Fidgeting in your usual place, you think about the words that sounded like an alarm. Your hair tangled under the fabric sticks to your back like snakes.

What the deaths?..

Who brought grief to this primeval place? Why do apes think of all people like this? Do they, too, like you lived all this dark time, live in captivity of delusions?.. It is not difficult for you to believe that this is so. After all, only two days ago you yourself were convinced that all the unsightly stories about apes were true. You were afraid to the point of trembling, to tears and numbness — but even wariness did not force the monkeys to drive you out into the cold of the night. Learning to trust you will not be easy, but not impossible.

"The heavens have sent... so many problems with me for you, Mom" Noa admits guiltily, as soon as the hut is empty and only Dar, he and you remain.

"As much as... happiness" The gesture with which the mother says this to her son is intuitive to you.

You sit like a ball-jointed doll — and memorize this expression that squeezes your heart.

Who knows, maybe you'll have a chance to say this phrase to someone?..

***

Weaving between huts and lean-tos with Soona, Anaya and Noa, you find yourself at the bird pens. They are securely built, tied with ropes and secured to the dry earth with sticks. You run your hand along the wooden crossbars, and the eagles greet you with a many-voiced  scream and clicking. Tiny chicks are scurrying in the distance — you don't dare disturb them, and watch from a distance.

On all fours, closest to the pen, Anaya asks Noa about something, jumping from theme to theme — like from branch to branch. You want to listen, but your attention is riveted to the majestic birds and their home.

There is almost as much space here as in your new home.

The apes don't treat their birds as heartlessly as the people in your settlement treat their starved pets.

"Does everyone in the clan have eagles?" You ask, remembering that there were exactly as many birds perched above the Elders as there were of them.

"For those who find... and raise an eagle from an egg... Like me, like Anaya... Here they are, the shells!.." Soona explains, pointing to the fluffy chicks and following your warm gaze, lost among the flapping of many wings. "Or for those who have an eagle become... a comrade."

"They can choose for themselves...?" You can't find the right word to ask the question on the tip of your tongue.

The word "owner" seems inappropriate to you. The word "friend" seems unpronounceable to you.

Another eagle flies up to the four of you, emerging from the leafy branches surrounding the enclosure. He circles around Noa, who greets him with a special sound. It sounds like a singing language. After that, Noa speaks again, and you listen more attentively.

The burgundy evening covers the sky, the wind blows on your shoulders. You don't shiver, but you sneeze. You wrap yourself in the thin fabric, like a cocoon. Soona asks if everything is okay — and after your timid nod, she continues to answer the question you asked.

"If they... lost the ones they helped before" you know what Soona means. After all, when she speaks, even Anaya stops his careless chatter.

"As happened with Noa and... Sun? That's your name, right?" you ask, taking a small step closer to the bird perched on Noa's shoulder, but not to him.

You heard Noa name the eagle, patting his back. Friendly.

You reach out and do the same. You coo at Sun, praising his plumage.

When you put two and two together, you're sure it was Noa's friend who dropped the feather on your threshold. If Sun was there, does that mean Noa was there too?  So he was worried about you — really worried about you in the way you're trying to comprehend?.. You don't risk telling Noa anything with gestures again, instead trying to silently correct your recent recklessness.

It seems to you the most free, but natural impulse. To show that you are not afraid of everything around you here. To show that in addition to the fear that has taken root in you, here you feel a small, hatching peace.

"He definitely likes echo... A good sign" Anaya laughs with all his teeth, coming closer to the wooden poles.

"He can... peck your fingers" Noa warns you quietly, turning to your face. His green eyes approach yours and you feel anxiety scratching. "Be careful"

"I'll go to the lake alone!.." you squeal when Noa's huge palm meets yours while you stroke the shiny feathers of the Sun. Just one moment that stretching out for minutes.

Too loud, too cowardly squeal.  Where Noa touched you, it's like hot coals are smoldering and scorching your skin. Soona and Anaya are confused and ignoranced.

You cover your mouth with both hands and back away.

Running into the bird pen, you freeze. Noa did nothing wrong to you. Nothing that was done to you in the place that cut your soul. He already held your hands in his, squeezed and caught you when you couldn't move on your own, when you fell and barely realized where you were... Luckily, the birds didn't fly away. They didn't even move, allowing you to remain among them.

Holding onto the sticks, you desperately want to apologize to Noa — but you bite your tongue, cheeks and lips.

Gagging and choking, you cough. Blood pours out of your mouth, probably as much as the healers washed off you.

You swore. Your mouth will not say a single word to any of the male race.

"Why are you doing this?.. How many times have you been scared, so that you are afraid... so much?" Noa asks, approaching you and trying to establish eye contact again, confused. You close your eyes until your temples hurt.

You can't cope with the fear that has attacked you. And you won't be able to tell the story you promised the cubs... They will be afraid of you this...

Splinters dig into your tightly clenched palms.

Why would he even want to know how much and how you were scared?..

"Echo is joking, right?... The forest will soon fall asleep... Dangerous" Anaya asks, trying his best to smile.

"There will be long days... many more" Soona reaches her hand through the stakes towards you, you clasp your hands together.  "Now Echo needs to... go home and..."

"Leave me alone!..." Your voice breaks and you shake your head in convulsions. "I just want to wash my old things..."

"You'll get lost if you go... alone..." Noa says more firmly, but there's no anger in his voice, but pity for you. You stubbornly dodge his gaze, and only by the grace of fate you don't bump your head into the claws of a bird's paws. "Come back before... darkness, echo"

In the settlement where you hid from waking nightmares, they would have dragged you by the ankles, spitting on your worthless objections... Noa looks at you, slumped on the ground and almost incorporeal from the incessant lamentations that you won't tell anyone about — and leaves.

As you asked. No, no, no!..

Why does Noa treat you as if you mean something in this vast world?

You blink away the panic that has overcome you. Breathe in-breathe out-breathe in. Feathers float in the air, dancing with the wind. You can even see the specks of dust. Everything that is real right now — and not crawl to you from nightmares.

Wiping your lips and shaking off the dust, you leave the bird pen. You look at the birds again, and head towards the lake along the path strewn with fragrant flowers.

The journey takes you very little time — and the evening does not even have time to turn into twilight, while you bend over the wild petals to inhale their scent. Touches of spring are felt here and there, in their purest beauty comparable only to poetry. Pulling the shirt off your hips, you begin to untie the knot of sky-blue fabric tied at your waist.

The healers may have washed you, healing your wounds — but you need to wash yourself differently after what you ran away from.

You need to wash yourself to the very core, to banish these terrible thoughts.

Taking off robe, which were left on the sandy slope, you go into the lake. You hide among the tall rustling grass and cattails up to your neck, frozen in bliss. The water lulls your cuts, bruises and sorrows. Dragonflies are circling by the water again, little unreasonable tadpoles are swimming in the water... You can hear breathing behind the trees, just a few meters away from you. It seems to you that the lake is turning into an ocean — and you are drowning in its bottomless depths.

Someone is watching you. Watching the splash of water enveloping your naked body.

Hiding behind the stones scattered near the shore, you look around — and shiver from the thickening cold and darkness.

"Creation" Chapter 4.2. Forest filled with fragrance

A/N: The battle with the time deficit was obviously unequal. In addition to the main ideas, side ideas appear, brazenly storming the imagination. And to manage everything at once is quite a challenge. Of course, I can do several tasks at once — but right now I feel a little burnout

Word count: 4,3K

Warnings: several mentions of death and murder, mentions of children dying, a continuation of the theme of female oppression and slavery as well as a continuation of the theme of parenthood, a wounded animal, fear of men in general, musings on sexual forcing and prejudice (and yes, this is the last chapter, focused on thoughts — for next I will focus on the event, that will tie the rope, that was twisting, into a knot)

🎧 Power-Haus, Christian Reindl, Lucie Paradis — Hel

Yellow sunset. Poison soaked forest. Squealing exhausted rabbit. Returning to alarmed branches birds. Hanging in the air words.

You are overcome by a belated, desperate desire to bite your tongue again. To chew and swallow.

To lose the ability to speak forever for sure.

It borders on bad habits, disappointing diagnoses, insanity. You want to fold your palms in prayer. You wrap your palms around rabbit feet.

***

It's too late to retreat and repent. You broke the oath you gave yourself... The fact of what happened falls on you like a crushing weight. Your shoulders sag guiltly, and at the bottom of your soul toils guilt and ineradicable fear. The desire to kill yourself on this very spot, piercing your neck with a sharp wooden peg, grows with each passing second. This seems to be the only right decision if you are unfaithful to yourself.

Having broken an oath, even though there were no witnesses, you have become disgusting to yourself in an instant. You seem to yourself a frivolous traitor. You seem to yourself unworthy of the things, that you went for — the things, that preserve your faith and principles. You seem to yourself unworthy of anything but self-abasement.

An unbroken oath would've been worth nothing, if you had kept silent, allowing Noa to deal with a defenseless animal. If God remembers your oath, he will also see the reason, why you resisted yourself. And, perhaps, God will even grant you forgiveness... Rabbit's paws shake, the squeak turns into a snort. The spear that you clutched in your hand rolls into the dusty hollow. There, too, where Noa's spear fell when you screamed for the whole area.

***

“Or maybe someone is hunting a deceitful ape?” you suggest, unable to contain the regret in your trembling voice. You look at Noa with reproach. And immediately look away.

Biting tongue would've definitely been better than saying that.

The words that escaped seem to you unforgivable. And you expect the worst.

"The apes come... here... by a different path. But the echo... didn't know about it" Noa chooses words with such difficulty, that you can hardly read, if he is lying now. He looks at you, as if apologizing. You don't believe anymore.

"It turns out, I didn't know about too many... Such as, that you finish off animals that are caught in a vice" Nuisance mixed with anger don't allow you to remain silent. It's as if a dam has burst inside you. Noa approaches you one step closer, which seems like an intrusion. "Don't come closer!.. I have one more spear. Unlike you, I will admit to duplicity right away"

To prove your point, you pull out from the tight knot of sky-blue fabric on your hip unsharpened spearhead. Still holding the rabbit, which is poking its nose into your recently healed shoulder.

"...Does I... done you any... harm?" In Noa's green eyes betrays confusion.

Looking into his face, you find the same bitter niusance that sounds in you. You turn away. You feel disgusting. You point the tip at him, unable to take back what was said with any words.

You make it worse, by releasing a sudden, gnawing from within resentment.

If you had your hands free — you would cover your mouth so, that the extra exhale wouldn’t seep.

But your hands are busy with a tossing, blood-smeared little animal.

"You said that hunting only helps in harsh winters. You said that you can't hurt anything living unless it's necessary... Why did you point a spear at the rabbit?" You break another vow you made to yourself when you feel tears streaming down your cheeks. You sob in a fit of helplessness. "He was already bleeding. He would've died a natural death in this trap..."

"When I saw you... You were bleeding too. You would've died a natural death too... trapped. Even... before you were... ruffled... by the scavengers" As your sobs turn to sobs, Noa makes another attempt to come closer. "But I didn't want your... fate... to be like this"

The reminder about that you tried so hard to forget these months hits your knees with frenzy. Over the golden, warm evening layers dank, freezing night.

Thoughtless rapid steps, Noa comes to you contiguously.

In your ears, instead of the birds chirping that begin again, whistles a cold wind.

The distance between you is so insignificantly, that you feel, Noa's ragged breathing making your hair slightly sway — and then you jump back stunned. Having planted the spear between Noa's ribs and accidentally drawing a cut on his collarbone with a trembling hand, you unclench your clenched fingers. You screaming, shaking your head. The spear falls.

Gasping and coughing, you falling onto the dusty, yellowing grass.

Like an paltry speck of dust.

"I swear. I... wouldn't kill" Noa puts his hands together, in a gesture that means an appeal to the heavens. How ironic, that this gesture is the same in all faiths.

"You killed two" You state, struggling with the impenetrable emptiness before your eyes. The streams of tears from your eyes don't stop and don't dry.

"I killed to... save. To... pull you out of... filthy jaws. And I... regret. But if here again one of... them... Second time i would've cost... without regret"

Something in Noa's words brings calm back to the disturbed forest.

Something, that makes you stop crying. You gulp in warm — not the deathly-cold, as of that terrible night, — air. You look at the thick, orange feather beds of clouds. You soothingly stroke the rabbit's tummy. You soothing the worried scars. You pray incoherently. You swallow the lump cutting your throat. You straighten your shirt, which has slipped and come apart at the seams finally. You rush between hysteria and devastation. You remember about your backpack. Your gaze catches on a scrap of gray fabric, visible in the grass.

You rejoice mentally. But not for long.

The backpack should've been on the other side of the bridge. Not here, not in the clearing. Many meters further. For the animals thing wouldn't was handy, so there's only one conclusion - Noa is right again.

And the footprints are such, that you, even if you wanted to, would not confuse them with any other footprints.

***

They were here.

They lured you out.

And it would be better if you fell into the trap set. Certainly better, than a new portion of Noa's suspicions of uncharacteristic motives and an irreversibly worsened relationship with him. If, of course, many days of boycotting can be considered any kind of relationship...

Shame bites into harder than fear. What was bound to happen, has happened. You don't trust anyone anymore. You've out of practice to be human. You've out of practice to be yourself, living among people who turned out to be demons, who don't wearing horns. This is an irreversible process. These are conclusions that are not supported by anything other, than the pain from your past. When Noa is honest, you feel like he's manipulating. When Noa is sincere, you feel like he's still manipulating. Just more skillfully. And that's problem — only yours. After all, it's unlikely that Noa fully understands, what exactly you're accusing him of.

This problem —  your personal, rooted in the subcortex of brain. Your mistrust has nothing to do with Noa. Almost. The only argument, that you use to justify your uncontrollable panic — he is a man. Not a human man, but in your clogged consciousness that doesn't matter. It makes no difference what race Noa belongs to. You see him wrong, the fractured perception can't be changed. You can't erase the horror, hammered into you by the nails of past misfortunes. The bullying, in which the boors from the settlement are not lacking in cunning, knocks in your memory like jackhammers. Dozens of looks strike lustfulness, thousands of words spitting out misogyny, cuffs, slaps, smacks, twisting of hands, tearing off clothes, stealing honor, appropriating a body, depriving of any glimmer of hope for salvation... You know men are like this.

In your thinking there no room for other options. Noa saved you. Noa keeps saving you, but you expect him to screw you over — and when you don't, the momentary surges of anxiety give way to speculations.

Occupying all night long, multi-component, and even more anxious.

Clan in fact — is also settlement?..

In none of the rites, that the apes told you about, you didn't see even the slightest resemblance to the distorted rites — supposedly the fulfillment of God's will — that were performed annually there, in the blasphemous cramped grave.

In none of the apes families you didn't see wives unrecognizably changhing from signs of violence.

None apes child don't look appears to be soulfully crippled and prematurely grown-up.

But you still suspected, that the calm and certainty that reigned in the clan had a dark, unsightly side.

The weapon, that Noa aim, confirmed your suspicions. The round dance of thoughts was stamping, cackling in hundreds of mouths. "Which was to be proved", "Everything was clear from the beginning", "There was no need to even try to trust him" — the spurring echoes in your head changed, one after another. Yes, everything at that moment was reduced to the other side. To a double bottom.

Until you saw the marks of rough soles.

And until you remember, so by the way, one interesting observation.

There, in the rotting dungeon, the brave soldiers most often sent youngsters to spy. Who knew absolutely nothing about defense. Unable to defend themselves even from angry bees. Unarmed and unprepared for the harsh reality. Most of them didn't return back, down. Then you thought, they simply ran away, having received the opportunity... Now you understand, how ented lives of boys taken from their mothers. Now you clearly see — they received wounds incompatible with life. From spears, from hands, from teeth. And from accidents.

No wonder, that youngsters were killed. The desire to defend territory can dictate monstrous decisions.

Sometimes these decisions end up hurting those, who pose no danger.

But Noa didn't know, who he was dealing with. He was ready to defend you a second time, protecting you from armed soldiers. He was even ready to accept death at your hand, if you decided to strike a blow in his heart...

The curved line of blood you traced, running down Noa's collarbones, seems to be a dividing line. Only, perhaps, neither God's eye nor Mother Nature's design don't knows for certain, what that line divides.

A mixture of gratitude and numbness is pricksing.

You don't know, which of the two feelings outweighs the cup.

"Even if you didn't want to stab the rabbit..." wrapping the squirming little animal in the hanging sleeve of your shirt, you whisper, carefully hiding all emotions. "You wanted to stab the child."

"A child?.." bending down to lift you to your feet, Noa freezes. On his face froze the question, that he doesn't express. And worry, that is also the same in all faiths.

"Yes, imagine that. Where I grew up, they kicked in the ass very young boys out on reconnaissance missions. If a scout comes back, it’s not that dangerous. If he doesn’t come back... It’s one less mouth to feed" The story comes out of your mouth, as if you hadn’t realized this truth a few breaths of wind ago, but had always known it. "They can easily be expended. After all, they have slightly fewer functions than wom..." You stopped, flashing at Noah still distrustful look.

Not about that. No, no, no.

Every, glowing with the coming summer, tree heard — you spoke to the one, with whom you swore never to speak. And the sky didn't open up, punishing you with lightnings.

From now on you don't have to be burdened by an oath, that borders on paranoia. Your mind will be healed from it, just as your body was healed from the ointment.

But none of Noa's acts, none of his causing respect traits, don't means you'll ever tell him about your deepest traumas. Nothing, no matter what he does, won't make you dare to that storytelling.

It happened inside you, it lives inside you.

And it will die inside you.

No one needs to know about it — and you won't let your memories, good or bad, be known to anyone.

Looking down at you, Noa holds out his hand to help you up. You look through his outstretched hand, through the grass and bushes. You look through the sky, melted from gold to platinum — and you pull back, sighing, but don't move. You sit on the rotten ground, clutching the wheezing bunny as tightly as you can.

Taking another step, sound quieter than the previous ones, Noa sits up, so that he can see your eyes. Noa says nothing, he just looks at you.  In the sunlit green of his gaze is no self-interest. He doesn't pursue any personal gain. He doesn't devour your body with his eyes. He doesn't search your body for a target to release his anger. All the looks at you, even before you came of age, were either lecherous or derogatory. Noa's look is different from the looks, that you scraped off yourself. Tears fall as hail. The tiny animal nuzzles your weak palms. Your arms hug the rabbit in a kind of rabbit hole. You smile through your distressing thoughts.

An animal, unpredictable and dangerous. That's what Noa seemed to you before.

A predator, that softly lays.

And anticipate, when he will break the back of a herbivore, like you — it's impossible.

Before Noa seemed to you part of a cycle, consisting of a stalking hunter and the stalked, doomed to be eaten prey. Tearing flesh fangs, death grip on the neck... When suddenly the wheel of the Universe staggered, stopped turning.

The cycle has resumed. But too unusual.

It was like that, and when Noa's gaze met your gaze in the eagle pen. You didn't want to admit it then, but you can't deny it now...

Noa's look is unlike anything, that you fear.

"Hope you... will always talk... like that" saying this simple phrase, Noa placing his palm on the place, where restlessly beating your heart. You want to fall through. You are sure, that Noa hear this beat.

"Hope, I never say that much again... To anyone" You don't even know, how explain to Noah the reason for your suddenly broken vow. "Sorry, and... Thanks"

After everything that has already been said, only these two words seem to you appropriate.

Silence tangles in the strands of your hair as you close your lips. Gratitude is finally expressed. Relief washes you over. Looking at you, Noa doesn’t change the position of his broad, callused palm. His fingers remain resting on your heaving chest. “Pawing” — is what you would call his gesture, if you continued feeding your fears. It is what would feed the worst, that you could possibly think. The worst, you have seen. The worst that was waiting for you between iron walls. But Noa’s fingers don’t grab your boobs, mocking — though should, given his background… Noa’s fingers touch your heartbeat.

The rhythm of thoughts is knocks so loud, that your ears are clogged. You want Noa to stop, to take his hand and his compassion away, but something you can’t find a name, holds you back from this instinctive demand. Without moving, and without resisting, you wait for the ending of this moment.

The sky changes color once again, spreading like honey.

The arch of the bridge, leading straight to the human crypt, remains behind the ape shoulders... The symbolism seems far-fetched.

Noa's touch feels awkward. Not nearly as offensive, not nearly as ignoring moral, as the touches you wish you could cut off along with your skin. Noa's touch feels interrogative.

Cutting off any extraneous thoughts — enough for today, — you turn away from Noa. You look first at the bunny curled up in a ball, then at the backpack lying near the bridge. And at the large palm, resting on your heart. You remember how, through the dizzy, you listened to Noa's heartbeat that morning, when he rode you into an uncertain future. You were cutted and exhausted, unable to stay in the saddle, and you held on to him. Like a straw... Noa jerks his hand away, as if waking from forgetting.

"You came for... bag? Why are you... all alone? Echo... it's dangerous... to be alone in the forest" Noa asks. And abruptly, but in a familiar careful way, he lifts you by the elbows.

“Why are you so suave?” you burst into a new flurry of bewilderment. “How do you know why I came? You were watching me, right? So that I wouldn’t get lost or hurt myself?.. Why?”

Ability to small talk has never been your strong point. Inability to keep your mouth shut time and again has cost you dearly. You said so many unflattering things, before you apologized and thanked Noa. And you didn't skimp after... Everything in you was preparing to consider him a traitor — obviously, you hit him. But he doesn't show it. There, where you ran away from, for the words were sometimes beaten three times harder, than for the actions. Women defended themselves from harassment and humiliation in the only way they knew — with a sharp word. Women and girls of all ages spat out blood clots the size of small fish heads, after enraged men took their revenge on them in full... Nothing guaranteed safety — the fragility of children's joints, bruises that had not yet faded, pregnancy, postpartum weakness...

What are the punishments for men, who want to wean their women off the blade-cutting words, in other scattered settlements?..

And what kind of self-control must Noa have, if all your defense mechanisms, borrowed from the dungeon, didn't make a gap in his armor?..

“So that no one gets hurt you” Noa’s answer is so succinct and clear, that you can barely keep yourself from going on the defensive.

You have nothing to answer him.

But you want to argue with him. You are capable of protecting yourself, you are disgusted by surveillance. You don’t want to call it protection, much less care. Because it can’t be that. Because never, after the death of your parents, blood and foster, have you felt any care. The fact that Noa cares about you, is something that comes with great difficulty.

The care is not greedy — like protecting things, from breakage and theft, — it is friendly.

It's something from children's fairy tales about mutual assistance, about support. And about everything else, that you never had.

You never had friends.

When did Noa become your friend?..

When did Noa become anything other, than your savior? And can that change anything?

***

Blue of the sky encircles shine of the clouds. Evening changes into day for a minute.

You, unable to utter a single sound, and clutching rabbit feet tighter, set off for the backpack. Knead the dust and dirt with your bare feet. Almost reach out for the frayed strap. You freeze halfway — Noa blocks your path, picking up the backpack warily. While he stands with his back to you, turned away, you concentrated invoke and listen to your inner voice. How does Noa know, that you will not use the perfect opportunity to hit his skull with a rock that comes to hand, to jump on him from behind and strangle him, to press his eyes deep into their orbital basins?..

You wouldn't for nothing do that. After all you owe Noa.

And you have no reason to deal with Noa like that. Even if that owe didn't exist — Noa isn't someone, who you could kill without a guilty conscience.

But why is Noa so improvident? Does he really trust you that much, after only half a spring and a handful of summer swelter?

***

Setting sun and impatience dry your tears. Noa hands you the backpack, still looking into your eyes. Quickly counting the contents, you put it on and... freeze. In the distance, on a withered branch hangs cross. Looks like the rosary beads, that bastards carry with them. They recite prayers, drunkenly shuffling the words around. They shuffle, when they are nervous about the approach of retribution, which they themselves have molded from double standards and cardboard idolatry. They give them to youngsters. For luck, damn them... What is this, if not a sign from God? You need this cross, to heed the aspirations of your soul. And you take this cross off the extended as a serve branch.

“What is this?.. An echo ward?” Noah suggests with such precision, that pull you out of your silent veil.

"Yes, a ward. In my religion, that wear to protect against misfortune and temptation" You nod, not trying to hide your joy at the find. And, putting the cross in your pocket, you complete the answer so frankly, that immediately reproach yourself.

What is the probability, that Noa understands the meaning of the word "temptation"?

If so, isn't the meaning, implied by humans, different from the meaning of this word among apes? Why did you even mention that?.. It was easier to remain silent, if only because silence saves from different interpretations of the same thing out loud.

"If... this is bait?" Noa questions, as you zip up your pocket.

The fresh blood on his collarbones turns crimson.

If the wound had been even a millimeter deeper, you would have needed both threads and bandages. You would've had to stitch Noa up, as if he had just returned from a grueling battle... What a nonsense!.. It would've been the healing females, not you, who would've had to stitch Noa up. They, might, have allowed you to join their cause, but they would never have allowed you to take control of Master of Bird's health. They would've hovered around Noa in a line. They would've fussed about him in a crowd. And, unlike you, they would've considered this an honor.

"If so, we'll be gone faster, than they can catch us on the hook" you say without hesitation. Your arms are tired from holding the rescued animal and the backpack filled with priceless things, but it's a pleasant weight. "So which path do the apes take? I want to get home, before it gets dark."

It would be weird to apologize a second time. That's why you chose different words to apologize.

After all, until now you've called the clan your new home only mentally. Putting that thought into spoken form feels like something meaningful.

And the word "home" is pleasant to pronounce.

Fluttered from your lips question and wish made Noa smile faintly. He point to a winding path, hidden in the thickets of a plant, that familiar to you from the impeccably preserved 21st century botanical reference book, filled with handwritten notes by your foster mother. Against the spreading leaves of the plant timidly press wild strawberry. Almost the same, as that one you learning how to pick in a basket by your blood mother. Well... Many miles from the places, where you were born and grew up, a message from your most reverently treasured memories unexpectedly winked at you.

Forest filled with fragrance, that flowing into you.

Journey takes only a few minutes. The landmark is a full-flowing river, along which Noa walks, taking your hand - telling, that you not to fall behind. You don't resist another his touch. You don't argue, because you are exhausted, and don't want trouble.

Count in your mind the things, you've reunited with — to distract yourself. And not to think about Noa's fingers, tightly intertwined with your fingers. Blancet of a clouds, meanwhile, covers the forest from bad dreams.

***

Night blows through your hair, as you follow the noise, coming from behind the logs. Right from behind that place, where Noa taught you how to make fancy pegs.

Looking around, you find Noa from carving on some sturdy rods, tied together similarity to cage. In the dim flickering light of the torch, Noa's sitting back to you again — but as you mince closer, trying to remain unnoticed, his shoulder blades strain under dark fur. Now you know. His animal nature is one way or another always aware your precence. You wrap yourself in the rags of your shirt, when he turns.

"A rabbit can't... hop around in your... house" The lighting is so meager, that you almost trip over the wooden debris. But you notice, that Noa is definitely smiling again. "Need... a rabbit house."

"Rabbit houses are in holes... It's good, that your tribesmen didn't offer to send this poor back"  In not imaginary, but real darkness, you allow yourself to smile, sitting down opposite Noa and studying the construction.

"Not tribesmen, but... the arsonists... suggested that I... expel you. Don't give their barking... weight. Apart from them, everyone... is glad, that you appeared here" Noa's voice is hoarse, affirmative and almost tangible in the crackling of the hanging fire.

"...Can I take this house home, right after you finish?" your voice, on the contrary, dissolves in the measured crackle, the thick night and the glow of the constellations.

Wait, until the painstakingly constructed cage is ready, need not long.

It means sitting next to Noa. In directly closeness, what would have seemed unacceptable to you just this morning. But the day has been edifying, expounding you — not everything is that, as it seems.

In the middle of the leafy plain, your thoughts were tossed between the possibility of Noa's kill at your hands and the possibility of giving him first aid with your hands... Both originated thoughts seems equally absurd. But if fate played a joke on you, and you had to choose — you would readily choose not a stone, but bandages and threads.

A lot you have to rethink.

After just one fragmentary conversation it's hard to be sure of anything. But you're sure — insde of you has begun a slow thaw, gradually catching up spreading through the forest vessels warmth.

Due to some personal reasons and lack of personal time, I'll publish the chapter a lil later... Be patient a little, my bunnies 🤞🫰🐰

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