Journal Page #3

Mist

Fog rolls out of my heart

I know it is making you cold 

you shouldn’t stay

I have made you hard

I have made you cold

You shouldn't have to suffer because i do 

You don't deserve it

The mist that spills from my nose and mouth is poison

It probably will kill you

Don’t try to stay

I won’t be able to live if you go first

Is that wrong to think about?

I guess i’m guilty of that as well

Its my fault

I should have known

I should have known

I should have

Old friend

I am so glad you are back

That you weren't gone for too long. 

But I know it hurts.

The decision you made was hard, and I feel as though I don’t deserve it. 

I don’t deserve to be the reason you chose to be happy. 

The reason you chose to leave her. 

It feels nice, I suppose. 

Like coming home. 

Like wrapping myself in an old quilt.

But it also feels like exactly what it is. 

Coming back to an old friend.  

If I am being truly honest with myself,

When I think realistically about my future, 

I know in my heart I will be alone. 

It’s not that love isn't something I yearn for.

I do. I really do. 

There is this fire in my heart that wants to be put out.

But I know it will always burn.

It’s not that I am incapable of loving. 

At least I hope not. 

It’s just that I can’t really see why anyone would want to deal with loing me.

From what I know, 

Which isn't much, 

Is that love is supposed to be through thick and thin. 

Love is supposed to be filled with little moments,

Like thinking of them while you fall asleep,

Like getting to know every little thing about them.

Love is supposed to be like coming home in their arms. 

And while I feel like I could feel all of those things for someone else, 

I know nobody would feel it for me. 

Who would want to?

They want to love someone interesting. 

Someone happy. 

Someone smart. 

Someone real. 

I’m none of those things. 

No matter how hard I try. 

I hope one day I will get the hang of it. 

Being lovable. 

But I suppose for now, all that is, is a silly, childish dream.  

cannibalized by my own jealousy

Envy consumes like a starving fire, Devouring all that's in its ire, Ripping apart what's not its own, Gnashing teeth, breaking bone.

Claws reach out to grab and shred, Leaving nothing but crimson red, Territorial in its gruesome feast, Not a scrap left for even the beast.

Digesting every ounce of worth, Leaving only an empty dearth, Jealousy spares no part or limb, Tearing apart even the strongest vim.

A monster within, hungry and vile, Feasting on envy, keeping it on trial, Until it has destroyed all in its path, Leaving just a carcass, in aftermath.

Haiku #1

Your hand is in mine  My heart beating close to yours  You, who made me love

The Conflict of Guinevere

someday 🐞

Sorry

Sorry.

I don’t mean to bother you.

I really don't.

I don’t mean to take up this much space. 

I’m trying to be better. 

I swear. 

Sorry. 

You say I apologize too much. 

I wish I could apologize for that.

I just have become so close with guilt.

He sits on my shoulder every afternoon when I get home.

He whispers in my ear.

“You should be sorry”

He’s right, you know. 

Because Guilt sometimes lets me call him by another name. 

A nickname if you will. 

(we are that close)

He tells me to call him Truth. 

He’s right here if you want me to talk to him. 

Sorry.

i sit. i listen to my number one song from spotify wrapped 2023 concorde by black country new road. i think about dead poets society. NO YOU DON’T GET IT BECAUSE YOU LIKE CONCORDE I CAME A GENTLE HILL RACER I WAS BREATHLESS UPON EVERY MOUNTAIN JUST TO LOOK FOR YOUR LIGHT??? BUT FOR LESS THAN A MOMENT WE’D SHARE THE SAME SKY??? AND I’LL COME TO LIKE A CHILD BTW.