I Am Afraid Of Loss

To You

I don't like the way I am acting right now. I keep pushing you away, and I am sorry. I'm scared to feel the way that I do. I don't want to. I have not felt like this in some time and I don't know what it means. I am sorry I am making you feel as if your feelings dont matter. i am sorry if you think youre dumb becase youre not and i am sorry i tried to make you jealous on purpose. at the end of the day i dont know how to handle the emotion, i am childish, i thought i had matured but turns out i did not. i sit here and am slighjtly mad at myself i am sad and i dont know why, i miss you and wan to talk to you but i understand if you are done becasue all i did was push you away. all did was reject you time and time again but its becase i was scared and if you are done now its okay, you said you would tell me so please do becuase i started to care about you too late and i wish i hadnt and i think i do like you like more than i care to admit but i dont want to admit that to myself becuase that means exposing my feelings to somepne and i cant. i care about you and im sorry im pushing you away, i am sorry you are tired or feel bad, i am sorry if i did something wrong, i wish i had not. but thank you for allowing me to feel loved in ways that i have not before. even if it was for a small amount of time. thank you for allowing me to feel cared for and thanks for showing me what it is like to love with respect even if you didnt actually know me, you blindly cared for me, and i am grateful for that you showed me what it was supposed to be like and i told you time and time again you were most likely lying, thank you for the patience you showed when in was so confusing and rude. thanks and i think in another life time i could have really loved you, and i hope in one of the multiverses i got to feel what it was like to be loved by you because i just know it would have been amazing. thanks.

It’s like walking through a field of flowers

wearing a white flowy dress and you’re happy

you’re picking flowers and it’s a joy so immense

nobody can stop you, you’re free but then

you hit a wall, the flowers in your hands are not there

they’re replaced by rubbish, and then you look back

and it’s no longer the field of flowers.. it’s a mess

a mess that you have no choice but to fix

so you do, you walk back

and start piecing it all together and you’re sad

you’re guilty because you created such chaos

you beat yourself up about it as you see everything;

the people you hurt, the mistakes you made,

the good ideas that were actually bad ideas

then once it’s clean you’re excited.. it’s the field again

and you’re running through it again and it’s scary

because you never know where the wall is

when you’ll be stuck looking at the mess again

but you still enjoy it, you still love the flowers..

MSI

< Bipolar Disorder In My Words >

I loved you, I always will,

and that’s the problem

because the sad reality is

that I’ll love you way more

than I will ever love myself..

MSI

<If Only>

― Andrei Tarkovsky, from Sculpting in Time

25 May 4:25 am

I have sat here and typed and retyped but nothing comes out that can express the feeling, the only way I can think of is asking the question... When will it pass?

When will I stop picking up the phone to call you only to remember that where you are you cannot receive calls? When will I be excited and not have the instant thought to share it with you knowing that I can't? When will I be able to go to sleep without wishing I did so knowing you were one of the people I spoke to in my day? When does it end? When does this loop end? I am tired. Please stop this feeling because it hurts too much.

I think I was just born with something dark and ugly inside of me. Always waiting to be found out.

planetarium - adrienne rich/@twoheadedfawnn/ugly, bitter, and true - suzanne rivecca/a burning hill - mitski/a hora da estrela- clarice lispector/ @100493503004422/sharp objects - gillian flynn

Journal Entry #1 | 07 Aug 2024

I feel like up until now I have been so confused about what I wanted to do with my life but I feel like I finally know. I know what I want to do. Maybe I am not in the right track to get there yet but I will be and it will all be amazing and life will look up. I will do whatever it takes for me to get there. I know what I have to do to get where I need to be. I just need to actually push myself to do it and I will because I am so excited to meet my goal and be where I need to be. I have to there is no more room for errors like the ones that I made recently.